Ready for the next season...

Usually I love spring. But this year is a different story.

Spring has been mostly gray, cold and dreary - and with it, it has brought a great deal of heartache.

With the uptick in aggressive behaviors from Grayson (thanks a lot, puberty) and the realization that we are now a year into being provider-less, to being told that Gray was too severe for one provider company, to having to research and call around to group homes to see if they are a good fit for Gray,  to Grayson's constant elopement attempts, to realizing that Grayson goes to therapy and comes home...he has very little to do for fun and he has no one outside of the family or his dedicated therapists to invest in him. 

To make matters worse, right now Grayson gets very upset - to the point of property-damaging, when either Mike or I leave the house without him. His team is going to work on that, but it has been very limiting what we can do. The walks I used to take that I enjoyed so much to clear my head are in the past. 

I am only one person here in the afternoons and evenings with him, and I have two other kids to care for. And a house. And laundry. I cannot easily or safely take him very many places. (Though we did attempt the pool the other day and it went better than I thought it would!)

This comes paired with a decision to step away from what I would call a long-term (30 plus year) relationship. And then being discouraged from sharing our family's story that led to that decision. Somehow I am wondering how I am being pegged as the villain when I am just standing up for my kids. The plight of the advocating mother.

To then receiving news that was just an absolutely crushing blow that further broke my already broken heart.

And then strep happened - to Grayson and Jovie - and we were up to our necks in sickness for too many days.

And then I had an opportunity for a book-signing with my special needs parent group -  I stepped out in faith and agreed. I invited people on social media and got a pretty good response. 

It was opened up to the public, and not one person attended who wasn't already there as part of the parent group. None of my friends outside of the group attended.  Only my dad and mom did - and they stood there and watched me as I waited for no one to show up until I finally told them they could go. Even Mike was working and didn't attend. I had pretty low expectations but I thought at least someone would show up. It mattered more to me than I let on, and I was really discouraged at the end of the evening.

The people in the parent group are supportive and kind so which made things a little easier. The person who organized the event was so thoughtful and said some very kind things about me that made Easton and Jovie just beam with pride. I have this snapshot of a memory I will always hold dear as they gave her thumbs up and huge smiles when she was done sharing about me. They have always been my biggest encouragers.

The events of this spring really made me take a hard look at what I am doing, and what am I writing - and if it really makes any difference at all. I think so? But I don't know. 

But for right now it is all too much to bear. I am only one person. My priorities are shifting, and this - writing and sharing about my book - isn't one of them anymore.

So I think this will be my final post, and then I am going to put my pen (keyboard) away and just focus on my family, my work (which I am so thankful for!), my home and Wesley Grayson Acres. I am ready for the next season...

If you have read this far, thank you. Thank you for sticking with me all these years.

I want to end this blogging journey on a nice note...

We took the kids to Lakeside a few weeks ago, and it was just what my whole family needed - a break from the bleakness we have been experiencing. It was a sweet time and I am thankful. <3