Broken hearts and broken i-Pads

Things are hard right now. Grayson's behavior has ratcheted up significantly, and we are left with bruises, holes in our walls, broken ipads - and for me, somewhat less hair because it's his favorite thing to grab on to when he's mad.

He is hurting himself badly. He has bruises all over the lower half of his body, and we bear witness of this as he punches his thighs and kicks his legs violently.

We've called Nationwide Children's Hospital for help. We've reached out to his development pediatrician who has placed him on a second anxiety medication.

And now he's eloping. Today he ran out of the house when a friend was dropping Jovie off, and she and I both had to coerce (force) him back inside. He had on no shirt or shoes - just sweatpants. His Project Lifesaver tracker has been kicked and broken off his ankle so many times, I had to set it aside awhile - but its time to try it again. I just replaced the locks on our gates and I have ordered an updated camera system for our home. 

During a particularly intense evening where Mike and I both shielded ourselves with mats as Grayson was quite violent towards us, we witnessed a Grayson we haven't really seen before. It was like he wasn't even there as he was striking out at us, punching and kicking. While we told him how much we loved him, that seemed to fuel his anger towards us. 

I am at a loss.

A Bible verse about the Lord is with the broken-hearted comes to mind often, and I even have it hung up in our house - but I am starting to not believe it. 

We need help. I have always been told that God is with us and He will carry us through. The thought of that can be quite comforting, and while it is comforting, they are just words with no action that I can actually see - and what we REALLY  need is hands and feet of people who will help us. Who will step out of their comfort zones and into the war zone that is often our home. Who will love on my son when he is acting like he hates them and the world. 

Maybe there is no one. Maybe it really is just me and Mike when he's not working which is pretty much all the time. 

(My parents help as they can, but it is stressful for me as Grayson can be quite aggressive and I am very worried they will get hurt.)

I have never thought all of the early intervention and therapies and schooling and ABA we have done for him would be some kind of cure all for him. They all have helped him in their own way to some degree. They have led us to meet wonderful people who are a part of Team Grayson. 

But nothing could have prepared me for what I am guessing is puberty. From what I am reading it should last just a shade under a decade, so that's great. 

I don't understand any of this. I probably never will. I am worried for the future. I am worried for the next moment as Grayson is standing next to me insisting to see "Daddy."

I miss my happy Grayson from when he was a baby. When he was so funny and full of giggles. He was such an easy baby, such an absolute joy.

He's not an easy kid now but he still has moments of absolute joy. It's just harder to see them now but they are still there. I have to keep believing that.