High to low

Yesterday when I picked Gray up from therapy, I was warned by the kind RBT who walked him to the car that he had a rough afternoon. She mentioned that he had about 200 SIBs while she worked with him. (SIB stands for self-injurious behavior - meaning where he causes harm to himself.) She assured me that he had calmed down and was his sweet self like always, and that she loves working with him.

(These RBTs and BCBAs who work with Grayson are saints.)

I didn't think much about it because this is not uncommon for Grayson, and I had a thousand other thoughts racing through my mind also not uncommon for me. I was having a great day!

We went home and I learned quickly that my head NEEDED to be in the game, because the aggressive behaviors began and I was the target once again. The only difference is that this time Mike was home, and he flew into action, grabbing Grayson off of me so swiftly that it knocked me to the ground.  I am so grateful Mike was home, because I am not sure what would have happened if he hadn't been.

I am not sure why I didn't prepare myself better. I was clearly warned.

After the dust settled, I got online to look at Grayson's online documentation portal and saw a note that he had over 60 aggressive behaviors towards his RBTs as well as the 200 SIB. (Like I said - these wonderful people who work with him - and choose to work with and LOVE working with him despite these behaviors - have my utmost respect.)

So big numbers, and we aren't sure what's going on (probably the start of the dreaded puberty) - but I will tell you...there is nothing that takes the wind out of my sails faster than aggressive behaviors. I went from having a great day to hitting the lowest of the lows almost immediately. 

Sometimes this is what autism does. It destroys plans, hopes and dreams. Or if it doesn't destroy them, it at least makes it difficult to make plans, have hope and dream about the future. Mike said it lights our good news on fire, and some other things that I won't repeat here (haha!) but he wasn't wrong.

And with it, I am growing very wary being around Grayson by myself because I don't want to be the target of his aggression - though I would prefer it to be me over his siblings or the dog. I have to start keeping my distance, always on guard when that is the exact opposite of how I am geared.

My sweet little boy with the best face smushes is turning into an angsty teen who cannot tell me how he's feeling. The frustration is real, and the aggression makes sense. But it's heart-breaking for me that as his mother - the one who brought him into this world - I am the one he wants to lash out at the most. (This is common among autism moms - we often get the brunt of the behaviors.)

Today I allowed myself to mourn this as I was getting ready for the day and my scalp ached from him pulling fists of hair, a reminder of the whole ordeal. I cried for 5 minutes then I had to pull myself together.

So for now we have emergency meds (that work pretty well with no adverse side effects - he got a dose IMMEDIATELY after he came after me which calmed him considerably), noise-canceling headphones, a meeting with his team coming up soon and hopefully a new plan. I have no idea how to do any of this.

But I am reminding myself to KEEP GOING. 

Keep moving forward. 

Just do the next thing.


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