It's a little big thing.

The other day, I was getting ready to take my good friend out for lunch for her birthday. As I was zipping around the house making sure that everyone and everything was accounted for before I left (Mike was home), I stopped for just a moment to note an unfamiliar sensation I was experiencing. I looked at myself in the mirror for just a minute, wondering if I was feeling the lingering effects of a stomach bug that hit my family over the last couple of weeks, or if it was something else.

Then it dawned on me.

I was feeling anticipation!

I was really looking forward to a meal out with my friend, who I have been friends with since we were 12 years old. We have celebrated 30 birthdays together, and she has consistently shown up for me for three decades. But we haven't been out to eat in a while, just the two of us, and I realized that I was just really excited to see her, to get out of the house, to take a breather from my family for a couple of hours. We had a great visit.

For many years, I cancelled plans. Or I just didn't make them. I remember I had invited a group of moms over when Grayson and Easton were just babies, but Grayson was having a rough day. I was scared. I was scared of his behaviors and what they might think, so I sent out an urgent text cancelling the get together. I remember being so horrified by my child's behavior during another playdate and never being invited back. It was years of not fitting the mold and being flatly rejected or just left out altogether. I remember being devastated at this new reality I was living. Sometimes it still stings. 

Add to that - on the rare occasion that I was invited over or invited someone over, I have often had to cancel plans because of a sick kid, because Mike's work schedule changed, because I didn't have childcare - I have no one outside of my parents who can help me with Grayson, because I was basically falling apart. (Sometimes I am still falling apart.)

This has happened so often that the feeling of looking forward to something, to anticipating a fun event is foreign to me. Anticipating something fun happens so little, that I forget what anticipation even looks like or feels like. 

I have to remind myself a lot recently as things have shifted just a tiny bit in our family, where I can now look forward to things without the thought that it will get canceled because of sickness or childcare or Mike's work schedule. That still happens, but it doesn't seem as catastrophic to me. Maybe I have just gotten used to it. It helps to have a group of friends who have not given up on me.

I still don't usually make plans. Outside of working, I am home a lot - especially in the evenings. That's probably not going to change any time soon since we don't have anyone to help me with Grayson consistently. BUT. My anxiety is less. I can now look forward to things without an impending sense of doom of cancellation.

To me, this is a little thing - but it's actually not so little - it's huge really. It's a step towards healing.

And for that I am thankful.

(Here I am with my best buddies.)