Grayson is turning 12!

Gray turns 12 next week!!

It's been 12 whole years of loving Grayson. Twelve years of seeing to every single need and detail of his care, hygiene, health, nutrition, education and life experiences of this sweet boy of mine. 

When Grayson is regulated, oh - he is a DELIGHT!  Sunshine and sunlight and laughter and sweetness and bubbles floating through the air and kisses by smooshing his face into mine in boy-form. I love to hear him go through his routines about the house, burrowing in the cushions of the sofa, running outside to stim with grass and watch it fall to the ground, listening to him giggle as he swings wildly around on his swing. It is heaven on earth to me. Pure bliss. I am grateful for this boy, and this life he leads. 

That is not Grayson all the time though. He has his bad days - as we all do - his latest ones have come in rapid succession for weeks on end it seems. We've had meltdowns that have lasted for hours, holes kicked through the drywall, dents where he has tried to break through with his fists, and aggression towards me that has scared me and kept me up at night worrying about the future. 

This week I meet with his SSA and Arc of Ohio to finalize the details of me being his direct service provider (DSP), and I will be paid through his waiver to care for him throughout the week. We have no respite care for him. My parents can help a bit at a time, and they do but we all recognize that his support needs are quite high - becoming more intense. 

We have been practicing a bit lately for me to be his provider. While Mike takes Easton and Jovie to go do their things, often Grayson and I will stay at home. I miss seeing what my other kids are doing, but pictures and videos and people sharing with me helps.  It's lonely sometimes to be in this house with someone cannot easily communicate with me, but I do enjoy spending time with my oldest boy. 

Suffice it to say - this is not where I thought we would be twelve years ago in that last week leading up to Grayson's birth. 

I read a quote yesterday by Sandra Samoska that resonated with me - "I used to get mad when I thought God wasn't giving me the strength to succeed. Then I realized He was giving me something far greater - the strength to endure. To endure the pain, the grief and the hard work of holding on. And that, in the end, has made me stronger." 

Being Grayson's (and Easton's and Jovie's) mom is hard work. The hardest work I have ever done. The most important work.

I am thankful for twelve years of parenthood, twelve years of strength-building, twelve years of taking care of my Gray, twelve years of seeing him grow and change.

Happy Birthday, Grayson! You are loved beyond measure.



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