Mama tried.

I have often said that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to autism and raising two boys with autism. 

But I have also learned that I have no idea what I am doing raising a child who is typical either. 

Since I am a parent to two children with autism and one especially precocious child who is typical, I have a foot in both worlds. I don't know how to do both very well.

Lately Jovie has really struggled with school and going to school. A few weeks ago, she refused to get out of the car and I had to half carry, half drag her into the school while she screamed in front of everyone, "I don't want to go to school! I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!!" (Yes, she really said this over and over again and I was mortified. Still am.)

As I was limping along with her clinging to me pass the inquisitive looks from the other parents, I remembered Grayson's days of school where he was a mess and I was crying my eyes out. Where he would be so angry on the bus he would lash out at his aide or the bus driver. I remembered Easton refusing to come to me after preschool and screaming, "You aren't Daddy!" as he hid behind the principal. Those were hard moments. But I could explain the behaviors away to myself. It's okay. My child has autism, and he's having a hard time.

And now this moment with this screaming banshee child. My typical child. I cannot explain away these behaviors other than it's poor parenting on my part. (I won't lump Mike into this because he's a great dad.)

Sigh. 

Side note - The teachers and therapists who came around me to help me in that moment with Jovie - they are incredible by the way. They handled the whole situation with humor and kindness, and I am grateful to them, and then they followed up with me to let me know she was doing fine once she got into her classroom.

Sleep has been another issue in this house. For years I have been the one to do bedtime, and Jovie would be placed in her crib where she would scream her head off every night. When she got too big for the crib, and Grayson was battling his worst behaviors at bed time, she often was left to her own devices as I tried to keep Grayson from putting his head through a wall - a battle I often lost. Then I had to sit with Easton in bed or he would absolutely panic too. 

I was on my own. Mike worked seconds (still does). I had no one to help me, and I felt so helpless. I am sitting here typing this and remembering how incredibly helpless I felt. We are now seeing the consequences of those very hard evenings with a daughter who wants her own way all the time and she doesn't want to sleep and maybe she doesn't want to go to school ever again either.

Give me an issue with my autistic child, and I can maybe make some sense out of it. I can look at what we have done in the past, and reach out to their specialists for guidance. I can talk to other special needs parents and commiserate. I can give them grace because of their disability and know in many ways they cannot help it.

But for a typical child? I am at a loss. Is she just stubborn? She is her father's daughter after all. Is it a phase? I don't know. Is this what typical kids do? I don't know. Does she also have a diagnosis I am missing? I don't know.  My sweet usually sensible girl is having a hard time, but WHY. Did something happen to her that I don't know about? We have had so many conversations, and we have reached out to the school counselor who has offered some good ideas as well as Jovie's pediatrician. So we're moving forward but I don't understand what is happening.

I don't know. I don't know. I am positive I am screwing this all up.

Mike showed me this video on Instagram the other night where the mom was just going about her daily life when "Mom Guilt" would show up. He thought it was funny and relatable for me, and it probably was pretty funny but it hit so close to home I could not breathe and handed the phone back to him. Something that was meant for laughs was my actual real life - my actual thought processes I have all day everyday and usually all night too.

Hopefully my kids will look back on their childhood and say, "Mom always said 'I have no idea what I am doing, but I am doing it anyway!' - now we know what she means by that. She tried."