Words to 5 Year Old Erin

My cousin sent me a video clip the other day. When I clicked on her text message, I didn't realize what I was about to watch - and I was floored and instantly emotional, crying huge tears.

It was me. I was probably 4 or 5 years old. I was at my grandpa and grandma Wissinger's house with an older cousin on each side of me, sitting at the table in their kitchen. My back was to the two huge windows and the low radiator that sat underneath them.

I knew sitting in that middle seat, I would have had to squeeze between the table and the radiator. (Sometimes if we needed to get out of that middle seat, we would have to crawl under the table because it was the easiest way.) The radiator was covered with a piece of wood and a cover my grandma sewed with any number of potted plants sitting on it. 

Without even seeing it in the video, I knew there was a yellow lazy Susan on that table with a salt and pepper shakers and a sugar bowl with a green handled spoon that I used to fiddle with. 

The middle seat was the second best seat. The best seat was next to my grandpa who sat at the head of the table. He was a kind and quiet man, so he wouldn't say much. But he would take in all the chaos of his family, and then look over at whoever sat in that seat next to him to smile and wink.

Just seeing this setting in the video was pretty much
my undoing as I miss my grandparents fiercely. I miss the time I spent with my Wissinger family as a kid. I closed my eyes and I was back in that kitchen, back in that room with all of those people I love so so much. My parents, my brother, my aunts and uncles and cousins.

I was saying something in the video - I had made a statement and then was corrected (kindly) by my mom. I could hear her voice in the background of all the family noise. It sounded just like it did today when she and I laughed over something Jovie said.

But in the video I looked unsure despite having made the statement. I had this weird helmet haircut, and I shook my head and all my hair moved at the same time. I looked a little lost.

And at that I started to sob in present time. 

My family gathered around me concerned. Mike took the phone from me and showed the kids the video. They were confused by my reaction. I couldn't really describe it myself.

After I composed myself, I said, "Oh the things I wish I could tell that little Erin! I wish I could share with her what life is going to be like." 

It was an impactful clip of all 13 seconds it lasted.

When I looked unsure and lost in that video, I recognized those feelings in myself again. I see them every single day when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. When I am overthinking and struggling to come to a decision. When I am faced with a seemingly insurmountable challenge. When I feel left out, or when I feel like I have been a disappointment to others. 

At 41, I can really relate to 5 year old Erin.

I would tell her what I still tell myself everyday:

You will feel like you can't do this, but you will. Take heart. Just do the next thing.

You will have three children who will favor you in looks so maybe come to terms with that because you will see yourself in everything they do.

 And also, you're in for a story of a lifetime. Buckle up.

Like literally buckle up because your future husband is going to be a state trooper ;)

What would you tell the five year old version of yourself?