One, two, three, four, breathe.

I had an existential crisis today at the doctor's office. 

After my PMS2/Lynch Syndrome diagnosis this spring, it was recommended that I undergo a radical hysterectomy. I had that surgery nearly 3 weeks ago.

Last week I met with the hematologist who is also an oncologist. I thought I was just going to be touching base with him to have another iron infusion like I have had several times over the last year. Instead he had printed out my entire genetics report for us to go over. 

Before I left I had a slew of specialist appointments referrals. I felt overwhelmed. I cried when I got in the car because of just...everything. Recovery, taking care of kids, how everything just seemed so scary. Oh and menopause. That too. (TMI much? Sorry about that.) I am thankful that he was so thorough with me, but it was just a lot.

Fast forward to today. I had another appointment. This time it was in a general surgery office that used to be the same office of the obstetrician I saw for all of my pregnancies. It felt surreal sitting in a room that I had once heard the heartbeats of all my babies before they were born.

But this time the doctor was talking about two procedures I need to have. Then he said "I don't want to lie - Lynch syndrome doesn't have a good prognosis."

This came on the heels of having several conversations about people with Lynch syndrome over the last couple of weeks.

I couldn't breathe. I desperately wished Mike had been in the room with me. The doctor looked at me and said, "You are just so young."

Enter the feeling of an existential crisis. Somehow I walked out of there with a shaky smile on my face and in my hand a folder with dates of future procedures.

When I left, I cried again in my car. It might be a new thing I am doing now. All I can feel is overwhelmed.

Which reminds me of that quote from 10 Things I Hate About You - "I know you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed...but can you just be whelmed?" (That's probably not the exact quote - but it's pretty close. Sorry, Stevie ;) )

But I am trying to keep perspective. Right now I am quite healthy. I don't have any issues. Any tests I have had so far have been good. Nothing was discovered during my hysterectomy. It's good that we caught this so early so I can have the proper screening each year. It's going to be okay. I had the genetic testing. If I had never had it, I never would have known I had this. Maybe ignorance is bliss, but I think its good to know so the doctors can keep on top of it. 

I have been trying hard not to wander into the land of "What If." It's hard especially when I have my kids to think about - and autism. Enough said.

Today was also Mike's first day back to seconds after taking the last two weeks off while I recovered. I have been dreading this day.

I also went back to work. Easton and Jovie (who is in kinder now!) are back to school. Gray is continuing his therapy in lieu of school. Things are busy as they always are. I still have some restrictions from surgery and I can't wear real pants. And I am always tired. But last night I had help, and tonight I did too - and for that I am thankful - that I didn't have to face each evening by myself since I am still feeling not so hot.

I just want to feel whelmed - like somewhere between overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Just normal. I want to feel well again. I want to feel like myself. I don't want to think about Lynch syndrome every single day. I just have to give it time I guess as I recover. 

On the way to get Gray from therapy today, Easton asked to hear "that song by that teacher Ellie Harvargarldbablebeblelalkd" And I said, "You mean Ellie Holcomb?" Haha!

So we played this song on repeat...and again, I cried. But it was a good cry this time. 

It's going to be okay. 

Though worry whispers lies but let the truth ring clear/

You are stronger, love, you are stronger than your fear

Stronger (Radio Edit) | Ellie Holcomb | Official Music Video - YouTube