Beautiful discomfort.

So far 2023 has been a bit of a wild ride. I am not ever sure what's around the next corner, and to the person who is as far from a risk taker as possible - I do NOT find the unknown exhilarating. Haha! You won't ever find me on a rollercoaster for this reason.

In January, I met with Grayson's developmental pediatrician who implored me that Grayson needed immediate intervention via ABA therapy in lieu of school. On the way home from the appointment, I called Mike and we decided to email the ABA facility that I have already been in contact with for the past six months and put Grayson on their waiting list. Within two weeks, Grayson's state insurance switched over to a new system and a new plan that pays completely for ABA therapy. Five days later, on a Monday, Grayson started full-time ABA therapy in lieu of traditional schooling. It was the first time in months that I feel like I could take a deep breath.

Everything about it worked out so perfectly that it had to have been nothing short of providential. It was an answer to prayer. (Now if we could just get things worked out with the school, but I am hoping that happens soon.) Grayson has attended for nearly two months now, and while it has been good and we see changes, parts of it have been extremely difficult. Grayson has had some moments of aggression - so severe that he gave one of his technicians a concussion. That was really hard news - and I was immediately worried for the technician but she is okay thank heavens. 

I have watched the data they have collected for Grayson over the last few weeks, and it is astonishing to me that he has over 40 self-injurious behaviors during the day while he is there. That's five events an hour. I love that they collect data and have it for me to view at any moment.

I have never doubted that this was the best decision for Grayson. The ABA place said this is why they exist, to help kids who struggle with these behaviors, and they have been incredibly gracious. 

At the end of January in the midst of all of this, I finally wore Mike down, and we got a puppy from a family member of a friend. She is a lab/border collie mix and we named her Summer Sunshine because we all need a little more summer in our lives.  She has brought a lot of laughter and cuddles to some really hard days. She knows instinctually who needs watching over and since we have had so much sickness lately, she has been by all of our sides to offer her head to pet and some deep pressure snuggles. She has thankfully potty-trained quickly with the help of a bell and having a fenced-in backyard and kids who are quick to let her in and out have been helpful too.

Sickness has kicked our butts. As someone who suffers - and I do mean - suffer - from emetophobia, it has been a real struggle. There are many days I just want to run away from home. I am so thankful that warm weather and sunshine are on their way, and I am praying that sickness fades away for at least a few months so we can get a breather. We struggled from October to December and now from January into March. 

I have had to get iron infusions over the last few months. I had my fourth infusion a few weeks ago, and I have been feeling pretty good! My doctor had me do some genetic testing for ovarian cancer and while I was cleared for the most prominent ovarian cancer genes, I do have an ovarian cancer variant named PMS2 which is just less common. I meet with a geneticist this week, and then major surgery is in my near future. I am very anxious about this but trying not to think about it too much. We are planning some fun things in the coming months, so I am trying to focus on that!

Speaking of fun things - this past weekend I did get to see several of my aunts and many cousins - and it was wonderful! Too quick of a visit, but all I could do at this point in time. Mike took three days off of work so that he could watch Grayson so I could go. Easton went with me - we went with my parents - but Jovie stayed home because - surprise surprise - she was sick. Easton of course ended up being sick (with something different than what Jovie had), and we had to manage that for the eight-hour drive home.

I feel like we are in a hard season right now. Honestly I feel like a broken record when I say this. The last few years have been a hard season, but I feel the hard edges of it a lot less...maybe I am just getting used to it. I listen to the Walk In Love Podcast with Brooke and TJ Mousetis, and TJ said something so profound the other day. Granted he was talking about his life, but it spoke to me:

"...the Lord was already planning...I'm going to force your hand...I am going to put you into a position where you HAVE to do what I am calling you to do. I have given you too much ability to have you sit and be comfortable - I am going to force you into discomfort so that you use that ability for My glory. You need to be put in a place of discomfort to learn this about yourself."

I don't really like speaking for the Lord, if I am honest, but I find this statement so interesting and so very much how I feel about special needs parenting - that I wrote it on a notecard and put it in my car. Special needs parenting can mean experiencing great discomfort on a daily, sometimes hourly, minute or second-by-second basis.

But special needs parenting can also mean experiencing heartfelt moments of deep beauty. For example, when I returned home from my weekend trip, Grayson came up to me, wrapped his arms around me, and nuzzled my face. Such a simple gesture but so deeply moving to me that he recognized I was gone and that I was home now and he was happy to see me. I was delighted when he came back for a second hug and kiss and then came back to give me hugs throughout the evening.

My life is a life of beautiful discomfort. I am okay with that.