Do the next thing.

Turning 40 in May did something to me. I suppose milestone birthdays have a way of doing that.

It made me really look at the impact I am making on my family. It made me question A LOT of different things. And it mostly made me depressed. It made me very anxious about the future. It made me introspective about moving forward and how I live this life.

It marked that a full decade has gone by and I have been a stay-at-home mom. For ten years I have been out of the loop on everything. I struggle to think critically and in a problem-solving manner because a lot of the time my brain just doesn't work. Probably sleep deprivation. I have been all-consumed by autism. I  have lived and breathed it since the moment we were told autism was a possible diagnosis for why Grayson wasn't talking. My heart broke the day he was diagnosed and then broke again when Easton was diagnosed nearly two years later. 

I have been - by countless people - told that I shouldn't go back to work because my job is here at home. Without a doubt, motherhood is the toughest job in this world, but then when you add full-time caretaker to it - and well there is just no comparison. (And yes there are mothers who are full-time caretakers who also work outside the home! They are rockstars.) A couple years ago a behavioral therapist came to our house to write a report about our situation, and she told me, "I feel like you are ready to move on." She meant it in terms of finding employment. And she wasn't wrong. 

I suppose it would be different if my kids were homeschooled (something I would have loved to do for them!) I suppose it would be different if we kept having kids, and I had a new baby to care for every couple years. I feel like I would have new fresh purpose every day just like I did in those first few years of juggling just Grayson and then Easton as babies. Those were some very happy and fun but also hard years.

But now? Now I feel like my life consists of being the manager of bodily fluids, food preparation, and medication. And Travel coordinator.

I need some new fresh purpose. So I have been looking for it. When a job opportunity fell into my lap, I took a good hard look at it.

It was a remote position doing what I did long ago before my kids were born. It was like a dream opportunity, and my ten-year employment gap didn't phase them one bit it seemed during my first interview. They asked to meet me again, and I had to decline because I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be the manager of bodily fluids, food preparation, and medication WHILE also working full-time at home. I don't know how to be Grayson's full-time caretaker on top of everything else as well as the transportation coordinator. 

Factor in Mike's shift work which always seems to be changing, and that there are very few people who can care for Grayson for more than an hour or two at a time (and they all have their own jobs, lives and families), and the impossibility of it all weighed on me.

Mike's counting on me to take care of the kids so that he can work his job without having to worry about what's going on at home. That's what they always tell us LEO wives at every event it seems - "Your husband couldn't do this job without you." I don't want to let him down.  And by moving forward I would be letting him down because all of a sudden our already stressful lives were about to get 10 times more stressful. We don't have the average family with the average schedule with typical kids.

I was so scared to pursue it because I didn't think I could do it all and that I would fail everyone. So I had to decline which broke my heart. I didn't find a lot of peace in that old adage of - If it was meant to be it would be.

God has a weird sense of humor and a greater purpose I think for me. At least I hope He does. I just don't know what it is. Or maybe it's right in front of my face but I can't see it because I am too close to it. I guess I will just do the next thing.

But tonight while I was cleaning smeared feces off my basement walls and floor, I just felt utter despair. Is this it? Is this all there is for me? Is this my purpose?  I sobbed as I scrubbed. I have changed something like 8 diapers today. I am touched out - after having to spend all day redirecting children who want to touch me constantly. I am so discouraged, that I don't even know how to move on. So I reminded myself that I just need to do the next thing. 

So I will keep plodding on. I will never be a perfect mother who never complains. At my funeral my kids will never be able to say, "Mom was a saint. She never complained." My kids hear and see my tears nearly every day, but they know they are not the reasons for my tears (most of the time!) and they know I love them to the best of my ability and then some. I just feel so overwhelmed by the forever-ness of autism, of caretaking. But while it overwhelms me I can recognize the incredible privilege it is to care for ALL of my children while staying at home.

I probably seem ungrateful. I will probably get at least one or two snarky DMs about something I have mentioned in here. Something about how I should appreciate the children God has given me. Or that other people have it worse. Not denying that of course.

Please remember I don't speak for all moms or even all special needs moms. I just speak for me. 

But saying that...If you know a special needs mom, reach out and tell her she matters to you. <3 

It will do her a world of good and may be the only encouragement she has gotten in weeks.