What is a weekend?

Weekends are when my house and life implode. 

The only frame of reference of what weekends should be like with kids is my own childhood. And my own childhood was a sweet, simple time. On our weekends we went camping in our camper. We also took occasional day trips to Columbus to shop and go out to eat. Or we drove to Pennsylvania, Kentucky and sometimes New Jersey to see my grandparents and other family members. I remember the weekends we spent at home were really a time of rest and we did a lot of church activities on Sundays too. My parents may remember it differently! Ha ha :) 

I know that's not everyone's experience. Maybe I am looking at my own childhood with a rose-colored filter. I know we had hard times too - but my parents just took it all in stride. Open heart surgery, cancer diagnosis, moves...some really hard stuff. But as a kid, I never felt the heaviness of it. 

In short, my life right now with my kids is the very polar opposite of what I grew up with and what I wanted to share with my own kids. I am certain that my kids feel the heaviness. Do you know how I know this?

Easton said as much to me as we were sitting on the couch today. He said, "I wish our good mom would come back."

Of course, I bawled when he said it with his no-filter thanks to autism and his brutally honest-like way. He's not wrong. Where is the good mom? Not sure where she went to but maybe someday when circumstances and behaviors ease, she will come back and to stay. 

Unfortunately, the current survival mode mom is dealing with the following - just a snapshot of our weekend right now:

- One child is suffering from sensory regression, that I will spare you the details of, but it means my laundry has increased exponentially. 

- Another child is still-battling constipation-related issues that landed her in the emergency room several weekends ago and now this child is also terrified of having the hiccups. 

- Zero sleep. I got kicked out of my bed and ended up on the couch where Jovie came and laid right on top of me.

- CONSTANT fighting. (I know this is many kids so don't come at me.) My kids fight me on everything - what to eat, what to wear, whether or not they need to go to the bathroom (and they always do!) What water cup they want....about everything and everybody and every toy and over a memory of something that no kid was present for.  Easton: I wasn't at your wedding??? Why wasn't I at your wedding??

- And then my oldest child who is dysregulated and appears to be suffering from discomfort and pain but can't tell me where or what or why - he's all about jumping off of every surface in our house. And then the WORST bloody nose I have ever seen in my life where he was absolutely covered in blood. He fought me tooth and nail - while yelling "RED! RED! RED" to get the bleeding to stop and then we had a wrestling match as I tried to bathe him. 

- Solo parenting because hello, second shift living. 

- Isolation. The fear of going out and about and losing Grayson, or a meltdown from one of the other kids (we had to carry Jovie kicking and screaming out of two places this week)...but managing that all on my own - it's daunting.

Many of our weekends are just like this. Sometimes a little better, sometimes a lot worse - but it's very much Groundhog's Day every single weekend. I have to get off Instagram all together, stop reading blogs - I've ceased asking people about their plans for the weekend because my heart cannot take it.

It's a lot.

But "survival mode mom" is hanging in there though. One crappy weekend at a time. I didn't think I would get through today but I stopped at my parents and a good family friend was there. I gave her a hug and we chatted. When I stepped outside the sun was shining and the sky was bright blue. I took Grayson to get french fries. I reached my hand behind the seat and he gave me his foot - then his hand - and he giggled. The bubble machine is going outside and there are just wave after wave of bubbles coming past the window as I type this. 

Another weekend almost down. 

We're going to make it after all.