Clarity is kindness.

It's a weird thing to feel compelled to share so much about our life because I absolutely love sharing while also hating it at the same time.

I love it because just today two people stopped me at church to tell me that they have learned a lot and can relate quite a bit to what I share about our life. YES!!! This is what keeps me going! This is why I feel so called to write - I want people to become more aware of autism life, but I also really want to encourage others - that its okay to live and share authentically, that your story is important, that it is hard to parent a child with a disability and that you are not alone.

But I hate it because lately, I have been getting feedback about a lot of things I am not saying. 

So let me be clear because I believe clarity is kindness. This is what I AM saying:

• I am aware that all families have struggles.  I know that being a mother is the hardest thing in the world. I live that every single day for all of my children. I think that's probably universal for all mothers. It just comes with the territory. From the minute the plus sign appears on the pregnancy test, we are in it. Or when the adoption papers are signed or even before they are signed. Or when we love our friends' kids like our own. Or when we love, care and mentor people younger than us. However parenting looks for us. We are committed. We love fearlessly, unconditionally, worry endlessly, all the things. It's good. It's wonderful and beautiful and really stinking hard.

• I am a mom, but I am also a caretaker. I will take care of my son for the rest of my life. I change him, help him get dressed, buckle him into the car, help him wipe his nose, take care of him as he literally reverts back to a baby in a nearly 10-year-olds body every time he is sick or vulnerable. I will fit him on my lap and hold him in my arms for as long as I can. I manage his medications. I take the brunt of his behaviors. I help him put his shoes on and zip his coat. I order his diapering supplies and watch rashes and bruises on his body worriedly. I cry and cringe as I watch him engage in self-injurious behavior and do what I can to stop him - but he's getting bigger now. Being a caretaker is not the same thing as being a mom. Oftentimes those roles can look the same, but I believe they are not the same. 

• Grayson has severe autism. I get recommendations daily about what things I should be doing better. It's exhausting. It makes me sad. This is so frustrating to me because autism is lifelong, and I have devoted my entire life and purpose to being his person. It is like I am not doing enough. It makes me feel inadequate. But then I think - well of course I am going to get these suggestions, I am sharing about our life - I am opening myself up to criticism. Is it worth it? I don't know at this point. It might not be worth it. 

• I am incredibly grateful for my boys, but that doesn't mean we don't have a lot of really hard moments. When I share that they have done something that has surprised us, that does not mean they are getting better - like suddenly they don't struggle anymore. Are they showing improvements as they get older? At this point, yes - but I am also well aware and have lived through periods of scary regression. 

• Being a special needs family is a very difficult thing. But me sharing about it doesn't invalidate the struggles of my friends who have typical children. We all have our hard. It's just different for each person. I think my hard is really terrible a lot of the time. But I know families who endure more struggles than what we are going through. And my heart breaks for them, I try to be supportive but I will never be able to understand the hardships they face! I would never want them to feel bad about sharing their life. I want to hear it all and help - even if all I can do is just listen. Their hardships don't invalidate the hardships in my own life, it's just different. It's not even remotely the same, and that is okay.

• Mike is on shift work. Currently, he is only home two nights a week with our kids. I am sole parenting at this point, and it's really difficult to be the one responsible for every single thing - especially for kids with extra needs. Mike works a dangerous job. I cannot even give a thought to that throughout the time he is away from home because my heart cannot handle it. I just trust that he will be okay and that he will come home to us every night.

• I do often feel left out. Social media has a lot to do with that - so much so that I have deleted apps and have really worked hard to change my social media consumption. Sometimes I understand because my plate looks and sounds full, and it really is full a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like I get passed over, or that people are tired of me. Maybe they are. Because sometimes I am tired of myself. I am not able to do a lot of things because of Mike's schedule and limited childcare for my kids. So I am actually taking steps to change this for other special needs moms. I know I am probably not alone in this. More info on that coming at some point ;)

I took this post down after I posted it on Facebook, because it's pretty vulnerable. I also do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or have anyone think that I am targeting them specifically. But I want to be honest - because this is feedback I get pretty often - from people I know really well and for people I don't really know at all!

But on the flip side, I have a wonderful group of people in my life comprised of family members, neighbors and some friends who encourage me on a daily occasion. Isn't it funny how the negative voices of just a few are usually so loud - that it can eclipse the amazing feedback I do get every single day. 

So here's to being clear - because I do believe clarity is kindness - thanks to the amazing Annie F. Downs for that saying. Here's to not paying attention to the negative and focusing more on the positive but still being authentic. Is that even possible? I don't know but I am going to try! :)