Please read this if you ever plan to come to my house.

While tidying up my house today, I decided to straighten the plates in one of the upper cabinets. I took them all out, wiped the cabinet down, and then placed them back in - in rainbow order of course. I took a second to look at those place settings and felt a tinge of sadness. 

Before Grayson was diagnosed with autism and his behaviors started to be as severe as they are now, we often had people at our house. We really enjoy having company, and it's something that we miss now. Those plates were regularly rotated through and used.

For years - since we have moved into this house - we have had very few people over. Well, that's not true - we have had more than our fair share of caseworkers, representatives from the local board of DD, behavioral therapists and providers, in our home, but that's been pretty much it for the past four years. Friends, very very very few. Family? Pretty much just the grandparents. Sometimes our neighbors will pop by, and they are always so welcomed! But they know. They live in the vicinity of our house. They see and hear and know what goes on here! Ha.

To be perfectly honest, we have stopped asking because I am afraid.

We just don't know what will happen, and the unknown really worries me.  (Also for several years, our drywall was destroyed - large holes everywhere no thanks to head banging so the worry I feel I think is warranted. I know what CAN happen, not that it will.)

Will you get welcomed at the door, or will you get ushered out with an angry "GOODBYE." (This happens more often than not with our oldest.) Will you be able to eat your meal in peace or will someone stalk you, and then steal your food from your plate before you even realize what's happening. Will a meltdown occur where walls are pounded on and feet kick against the floor? Will we be able to talk despite the screaming? Will you be able to sit and relax without being climbed on by one or two or three children all at once? I might have to leave mid-sentence to take a child for a car ride because that's the only way he will calm down.

You might also be asked what your favorite Brace Sprungsteen (Bruce Springsteen) song is. You might be asked what your favorite Gemmy classic inflatable is. You might be asked if you are related, and how you are related, and why aren't you related, and why aren't you on the family tree because you might be mistaken as Aunt Tristi (there is no Aunt Tristi) and you might remind him of his uncle Pop Top and Aunt JenTomo. (Uncle Tom and Aunt Betty Jean). You might get caught up in a conversation that to you makes zero sense. He may ask you if you will die soon. (Yes, this has happened.)

Will the running back and forth, the pacing, the constant stimming, the humming and groaning, the wild laughter, the occasional naked child running around with stuff that is not chocolate on their hands - will it throw you off? Will you feel comfortable here?

Because I'll be honest. I live here, and I AM not comfortable with all these scenarios. And this is my house! My kids!

In my home, I like order. Clean surfaces. Little clutter. No knickknacks. Lack of all this - in my own home - makes me incredibly anxious. Before my kids were born and when they were teeny tiny, this is what you would find at my house. But not anymore.

Now in my home, nothing is in order. Clean surfaces! Yeah right. Little clutter? Let me trip over one million magnatiles and a train set just to get into the kitchen. . No knickknacks? As if. Not when my kids place toys all over the house. I work tirelessly to undo this damage all day long. Maybe I feel it more right now because the kids are out of school.

No wonder I am so anxious all the time.

I know that a clean home is not a priority for some but for my sanity, it IS a priority FOR ME. In my own home. I do not feel like this in other people's homes. How other people chose to live is their business. I am not passing judgment, just sharing my own experience. I know at least one person will write me either a private message or a text or a comment about how I shouldn't feel this way. I don't feel this way about you. I feel this way about ME. You might not be offended by the state of my house - but I am offended FOR you! ;)

So should I give my friends and family members who wish to come over a disclaimer before they come in the house? Already I have a sign on the front door that a person with autism lives here and may not be able to respond to verbal commands. That might not be enough warning.

So let this - this post -  be the warning. If you come to my house, you might be uncomfortable. I might be uncomfortable. There will be loudness and crazy noises and I can't guarantee that one child won't be peeing off the top tier of the playset while you are here. My littles might ask you if you are their dad (this has happened before and was mortifying.) You might hear wild tales about how there are two daddies not just one. Don't believe ANYTHING you hear.  I can't guarantee that my countertops will be clean, and I will for SURE be cringing about SOME mess that I see that you don't see. 

But let's work through it, and maybe my reality will become a little more normal for you.

What color plate would you like?

Here's to having more people over in 2022 <3