From heartbreak to a shift in perspective.

The words are still emblazoned in my mind. I think they probably always will be. 

It was from a report written by a behavior specialist sent in by the county to evaluate my family - specifically so we could be granted some aid for Grayson.

She was a very nice lady. She spent a few hours over the course of a couple visits with my family, just watching us interact. Mike was at work during these observations - I was always alone with my three kids. 

Then she wrote up a report with recommendations and sent it to the county. Unfortunately as special needs parents, we are used to sharing the very real, very hard facts about parenting our kids with disabilities. I can't speak for everyone but in my experience, that's the only way we can get any help. 

So please keep in mind that I have heard the worst when it comes to Grayson. 

But this was the first time I heard something about ME. As his mom. 

The report reads - and this is a direct quote: "Mom is very able and competent. She is a smart woman and knows a great deal about Grayson and autism. She is wonderful. That being said, she cannot manage the three children well when alone."

Oh what she wrote about me was nice up to that point. I get that. Let me write that out again. 

SHE CANNOT MANAGE THE THREE CHILDREN WELL WHEN ALONE.

She was only in my home for a few hours, and she saw what was my greatest, unspoken fear. When I read this, I literally felt my heart break in two. 

This information was then disseminated to several agencies in our county. Now my greatest, unspoken fear was known by everyone involved in our case. Maybe it didn't come as a surprise to them. Maybe they already knew this too.

Maybe everyone knew it by just looking at me with my kids. Maybe you knew it before you read this. Maybe you have seen me out in public struggling with Grayson as he meltdown, or trying to get Jovie to stop hugging a random man or dealing with Easton who doesn't want to come to me at school pick up because I am not his dad.

I felt like a fraud. Eighteen months later, I still feel like a fraud sometimes.

You see, I have been told time and time again that I was the mother of these children for a reason. God gave them to me. I am a stay-at-home mom. I have dedicated all of my ambitions, my career which wasn't really that great, all of my hobbies, even friendships, all of my everything to being their mom. This is it for me. I truly believe this is the reason that I was put on this earth.  I take this parenting gig very seriously. It - and autism - has consumed me over the past nearly 10 years.

And I cannot even manage my children well. Despite all that.

I cannot do anything about this. Mike is always going to have crazy work hours. That will never change. I am often the one here alone with my kids and it's always been like that. I have tried for months now to mend my broken heart. I have talked endlessly about this with people I am close to but I don't have closure. Maybe I never will.

The words are out there. They have been spoken. They have been written. There's no pretending they don't exist.

The words helped us get help for Grayson. It was all for a good reason. Because of these words, we have help now.

Sometimes I think I am mostly just the chief diaper changer, the distributor of snacks, the picker-upper of all clothes and messes. I think most moms can probably relate to this a little bit. 

I have been dealing with my heart ache now for too long, so I have been waiting and praying and wanting a shift in my crappy perspective about myself and parenting and autism.

I had just that perspective shift when I heard a song by Elyssa Smith called "Catch Me." It's actually a song I was first introduced to on a podcast - Walk In Love Podcast with Brooke and T.J. - and the lyrics have been bouncing around in my brain for nearly a year now.

Grayson was having a really rough morning. I had to change several blow-out situations over the course of just a short hour or two - and I was just really depleted when I heard the lyrics "What if Heaven is cheering me on?"

Okay so maybe I am not a very good mother when it comes to managing my children. Sometimes I have a bad temper and I yell too much (I am working on it.) But I do love them to the ends of the earth. I do care for them to the best of my ability, even when anxiety and depression won't release their chokehold. I do what I know to be right by my kids. So even when I am dealing with gross diapers and abdominal migraines, I can still imagine that Heaven is cheering me on. 

And that's encouraging to me. The imagery of that brings tears to my eyes if I am being honest. 

Heading in 2022, this is going to be my version of one of those things where they ask you to assign a word to your year. Only its going to be a sentence. A question. Something I remember when I get down on my parenting ability. 

What if Heaven is cheering me on?

What if Heaven is cheering YOU on?