Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve 2012, when Grayson was just on the cusp of turning one month old, I sat with him in his nursery, rocking him in my arms, trying to soothe his fussy cries. It was midnight. I was tired, probably hormonal, feeling very overwhelmed by this motherhood business and realizing that in a blink of an eye he would grow up - and that scared me somehow. I remember this evening so well - it's etched into my memory forever, I think.

I know that night I was picturing what life might look like, but I never thought it would be like this. That was long before autism entered our story, before it altered everything about our life.

On Christmas Eve 2019, I am sitting downstairs as I type this, watching him via camera as he struggles to fall asleep. His sleeping medication has been in his system for nearly three hours, but the lack of activity of today - despite playing most of the day outside - isn't enough to completely tire him out like it does during a school day.

He doesn't appear to be aware its Christmas Eve - not in the same way as his brother and sister - who both fell asleep quickly in anticipation of Santa's arrival. He's up. He's down. He's buried under blankets. He's up again. He's getting a drink of water. I notice that he's playing Peek-A-Boo Presents on his iPad, and I stop for just a minute. What an interesting choice for a game. It dawns on me. He knows. Why else would he play with that particular game? Is he restless in anticipation for tomorrow morning?

I may never know. All I can do is speculate.

He already gave me the best gift I could receive this year. Today Mike took a picture of Grayson and me, and Grayson actually looked at the camera, smiled hugely and said, "CHEESE!!!!" Then he turned to look at me and said, "Mommy." With a sweet smile. Not the frantic MAMA I hear so often when he is distressed.

Here I am on Christmas Eve seven years later. Still terrified of this motherhood business. Terrified that life is going by too fast and I am missing moments with all my kids despite my best efforts. Worried that I am not doing enough or maybe I am messing it all up. I am sure I am. Overwhelmed for sure. But thankful. Just as I was that Christmas Eve seven years ago for my little bundle who is not so little anymore :)



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