It's been nearly three months since I darkened the door of my blogger dashboard. I cannot even put into words how 2019 has been other than IMMENSE struggle. I am struggling to find some good in this year, and it's been difficult. Autistic behaviors and destruction of my home, migraines, crazy work hours and second shift living, myself coming as the last priority as moms often do - moms of kids with special needs especially...
I am dragging myself into this holiday season, and this cold snowy weather hasn't especially helped. I have look forward to 2020 and if its anything like 2019?! Well. It scares me.
I am coming to this blog tonight from a place of desperation and panic. I pick Grayson up off at the bus in the afternoons, and as I wait, I can feel the panic start bubbling up inside. What's he going to be like when he gets home? Will we deal with more constipation and the unpleasant side affects that come with that and sometimes get smeared on my walls and carpet? Will he be in a good mood? Will he melt down and put his head through the walls Mike just finished re-drywalling?! How can I stop him? How will I be able to keep him occupied?
Then his bus pulls up, and I greet him at the steps with my usual "Hey cutie" and he takes my hand and we are off to another afternoon of uncertainty. This child is the most beautiful, funny, loving and adorable kid - but he is intense. Having the fenced in backyard and playset has been the best thing for him - and his go to when he gets home from school. Typically he spends all afternoon and evening out there - even eating his supper outside most days. But with the cold weather, that's stopped.
He is constant flurry of motion. He jumps off my kitchen counters and kitchen table. At seven he still plays in the toilet and drinks the water out of it. He climbs on top of my washer and dryer and swings the light fixture back and forth. He digs into bins and pulls out memories and then tosses them over the fence or in the sump pump. He is not yet trained on the potty so that means multiple accidents - typically on the floor of the basement. He will stim off my face, neck and eyes - sometimes I cannot get away from him and his constant tapping. I cannot keep up with him.
It's a battle. I don't know how to handle his behaviors. Last night we hit such a low point that I called Mike in a panic and had a panic attack while laying facedown on the floor of the hallway while Easton and Jovie hovered worriedly over me. I just don't know what to do for him, and I lose my patience - though I have been working on that with some success. Last night I cried for a full hour and again this morning. I feel ALONE. I don't have anyone with me in the evenings. It's just me. Mike thinks we need to hire help, but the logistics of that further stress me out. Money, time and Grayson doesn't just like anyone.
And then there is Easton. He missed therapy - which he LOVES - last week and we were on our way there when the school called that I needed to come get Grayson. So we had a quick change of plans. Easton sobbed in the backseat and said, "I never get to do anything." And he was RIGHT. We spend every evening at home.
And Jovie? How is this going to affect her? I don't know but I am pretty sure she's going to be a little mother hen.
How can I be doing my absolute best that I can do while functioning at probably 20% energy? Last night Jovie was up at 2 for a cough and she never went back to bed. Which means I never went back to bed either. I got up and took Grayson to the school bus garage and then came home and crashed - but I never went back to sleep. I don't see things getting better. I see my life crawling in tiny increments forward and then huge giant leaps backwards.
My boy was made in the image of God - he was made for a purpose - all of my kids are! When his behaviors aren't making me sob, he is such a joy. But that doesn't make this life any easier. I read somewhere the other day that just because someone carries the load well doesn't mean it isn't heavy.
I have been listening to sermons lately about anxiety - a lot of my issues stem back from anxiety I have battled since I was a kid. And now as I am older it's worse than ever. A lot of people don't understand anxiety if they have never experienced it. When I share what is going on with Grayson, I get a lot of pat answers that make the person saying them feel better. I am told to use a variety of different ointments and blankets and Epsom salts to cure him. Heck, someone even recommended an exorcism, remember? And when I ask for help I get a lot of no, or yeses that eventually turn into no, or no response at all. It's incredibly frustrating. And painful. It makes me not want to ask anymore - to not bring my problems up because it's been communicated to me through all these ways that people don't genuinely care.
(I am speaking in VAST generalizations here. I have my people who check in on me for I am forever thankful for.)
I heard this in a sermon the other night by Louie Giglio of Passion City Church:
It may not be that you need to pray that God would alleviate the pain - it may be that you need to say to Jesus, 'You understand pain more than anybody who has ever understood pain - so can I bring this pain to you one more day? And trust that you can use the pain to bring about eternal good and eternal change through my life and the lives of other people?...Take the pain to Jesus and find that there is purpose in the pain.
This is my prayer.
I am dragging myself into this holiday season, and this cold snowy weather hasn't especially helped. I have look forward to 2020 and if its anything like 2019?! Well. It scares me.
I am coming to this blog tonight from a place of desperation and panic. I pick Grayson up off at the bus in the afternoons, and as I wait, I can feel the panic start bubbling up inside. What's he going to be like when he gets home? Will we deal with more constipation and the unpleasant side affects that come with that and sometimes get smeared on my walls and carpet? Will he be in a good mood? Will he melt down and put his head through the walls Mike just finished re-drywalling?! How can I stop him? How will I be able to keep him occupied?
Then his bus pulls up, and I greet him at the steps with my usual "Hey cutie" and he takes my hand and we are off to another afternoon of uncertainty. This child is the most beautiful, funny, loving and adorable kid - but he is intense. Having the fenced in backyard and playset has been the best thing for him - and his go to when he gets home from school. Typically he spends all afternoon and evening out there - even eating his supper outside most days. But with the cold weather, that's stopped.
He is constant flurry of motion. He jumps off my kitchen counters and kitchen table. At seven he still plays in the toilet and drinks the water out of it. He climbs on top of my washer and dryer and swings the light fixture back and forth. He digs into bins and pulls out memories and then tosses them over the fence or in the sump pump. He is not yet trained on the potty so that means multiple accidents - typically on the floor of the basement. He will stim off my face, neck and eyes - sometimes I cannot get away from him and his constant tapping. I cannot keep up with him.
It's a battle. I don't know how to handle his behaviors. Last night we hit such a low point that I called Mike in a panic and had a panic attack while laying facedown on the floor of the hallway while Easton and Jovie hovered worriedly over me. I just don't know what to do for him, and I lose my patience - though I have been working on that with some success. Last night I cried for a full hour and again this morning. I feel ALONE. I don't have anyone with me in the evenings. It's just me. Mike thinks we need to hire help, but the logistics of that further stress me out. Money, time and Grayson doesn't just like anyone.
And then there is Easton. He missed therapy - which he LOVES - last week and we were on our way there when the school called that I needed to come get Grayson. So we had a quick change of plans. Easton sobbed in the backseat and said, "I never get to do anything." And he was RIGHT. We spend every evening at home.
And Jovie? How is this going to affect her? I don't know but I am pretty sure she's going to be a little mother hen.
How can I be doing my absolute best that I can do while functioning at probably 20% energy? Last night Jovie was up at 2 for a cough and she never went back to bed. Which means I never went back to bed either. I got up and took Grayson to the school bus garage and then came home and crashed - but I never went back to sleep. I don't see things getting better. I see my life crawling in tiny increments forward and then huge giant leaps backwards.
My boy was made in the image of God - he was made for a purpose - all of my kids are! When his behaviors aren't making me sob, he is such a joy. But that doesn't make this life any easier. I read somewhere the other day that just because someone carries the load well doesn't mean it isn't heavy.
I have been listening to sermons lately about anxiety - a lot of my issues stem back from anxiety I have battled since I was a kid. And now as I am older it's worse than ever. A lot of people don't understand anxiety if they have never experienced it. When I share what is going on with Grayson, I get a lot of pat answers that make the person saying them feel better. I am told to use a variety of different ointments and blankets and Epsom salts to cure him. Heck, someone even recommended an exorcism, remember? And when I ask for help I get a lot of no, or yeses that eventually turn into no, or no response at all. It's incredibly frustrating. And painful. It makes me not want to ask anymore - to not bring my problems up because it's been communicated to me through all these ways that people don't genuinely care.
(I am speaking in VAST generalizations here. I have my people who check in on me for I am forever thankful for.)
I heard this in a sermon the other night by Louie Giglio of Passion City Church:
It may not be that you need to pray that God would alleviate the pain - it may be that you need to say to Jesus, 'You understand pain more than anybody who has ever understood pain - so can I bring this pain to you one more day? And trust that you can use the pain to bring about eternal good and eternal change through my life and the lives of other people?...Take the pain to Jesus and find that there is purpose in the pain.
This is my prayer.
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