The Green-Eyed Monster

I’ve never had many dealings with jealousy. I am not very competitive - it’s never been anything I’ve even thought about. It used to be that I was perfectly happy living my life while others lived theirs. Sometimes something would happen to a friend that was wonderful, and I would think - Oh I wish that happened to us! How nice for them! I would be genuinely happy for them and move on to the next thought. 

Not anymore.

Every single day is so hard, that I literally don’t like anyone anymore. I am not sure when this shift happened - probably in the past year since this has been the hardest year yet of our autism journey.

That’s probably not completely true - I do like most people - but heavens - am I jealous! I find it difficult to be genuinely happy for a good number of people - though if I say I am happy for you or that something is wonderful - I MEAN IT. 

For example:

Your husband works a normal work week with the weekend off? Jealous. Oh. And it’s not a dangerous job where he has to strap guns to his body and wear Kevlar? DOUBLY JEALOUS.

You have help in the evening to put your kids to bed and then you have a couple hours of free time to yourself or better yet - with your husband - before you go to bed? Jealous.

You get to go on vacations? Or on girls-trips? Jealous.

Your kids are all potty-trained? SO JEALOUS I AM CRYING!!!!! (None of my kids are and I have a 5 and a 6 year old to boot.)

You get to go for a quick getaway with your husband? And act like it’s nothing? JEALOUS. 

Your kids don’t have behaviors that you have to continually manage like smearing their poop on the carpet and sheets and walls and on themselves and bashing through walls and throwing meltdowns that make your house shake? JEALOUS.

You can go to church and drop your kids off in the nursery or Sunday school and not give it another thought? Jealous.

Your kid attends the school district we live in? And isn’t on an IEP? Jealous.

Can you just take off and go somewhere - even to the store - or a day away - with or without your children without too much concern about how your children will behave whether with you or with someone else? JEALOUS 

Catch my drift? It’s exhausting.

I have always heard that anger is a secondary emotion - it’s derived from something else. I can confidently say that my jealousy leads to anger. 

So often I hear complaints from friends and family about things that seem marginal (to me) and I think - They don’t know how good they have it. They have no clue. When I hear complaints about how hard it is to parent typical children, I snort-laugh to myself and roll my eyes. PUHLEASE. (I know this isn’t right and doesn’t apply to all complaints I hear because I know all parenting is challenging. I don't want to invalidate other people's hard stuff - I truly do not, though its my first thing I jump to before I gain better perspective.)

I don’t even talk to people much anymore because I don’t want to have a reason to resent someone, to feel jealous of them.

Sometimes I wonder if people feel jealous of me, and then I laugh - because they wouldn’t be if they wore my shoes for even an hour. They would take one look at the naked child that is covered in his own poop despite having a bath a half hour ago stealing food off their plates and be done done done. (One reason we stopped taking the chance at having people come over for meals.) 

This does not mean I don’t appreciate my home, our fenced in backyard, my hard working husband, the opportunity to be SAHM though that has turned into full time caregiver and has required more sacrifices than I can list here.

Despite feeling this way, I know that it’s not right - and it’s not a good way to live your life. 

So along with my battle against my old enemy anxiety, I am now staring down jealousy and plan to find some Bible studies that target that. Hopefully it will help. I am also seeking help from a Christian counselor if Mike’s schedule will ever work out for me to actually attend an appointment and not have to cancel at the last minute. Not like that never happens or anything. 

It should go without saying but I will add it anyway because I am sure someone is giving their screen the stink eye: I LOVE MY KIDS. It is my GREAT privilege - though a weighty one - to not just parent them but to see to their additional needs and do all I can to meet them. I would not trade them or this life for anything. The end.

PS: But if it could be even a tiny bit easier, that would be great. K. Thanks. Bye.

My heart in one picture!