We are different.

Sometimes I forget that autism is part of our vocabulary. We're just living our lives like everyone else. We love our kids and take care of them to the best of our ability. We cuddle. We kiss boo-boos. We draw baths and hold hands and wipe tears. We try to keep our house clean - but we aren't always successful. We do laundry, we run errands, we fight and say we are sorry. We like to go out for ice cream. Just like everyone else.

I have always just wanted to fit in - to be part of the status quo - to just go with the flow and live a normal "keeping up with the Jones" type of existence. I always figured we would go on vacation during the summer, save up money for college for our kids, take our kids to soccer practice, have our core group of friends that we got together with cookouts and watching our kids chase after fireflies on warm summer nights.

Until we go out into the typical world and realize that we are NOT like everyone else. We are forced to look at things differently. Mike says its like we don't see just a playground with a slide and a jungle gym. We see a place with 12 different ways for our child to escape. We just don't see a gathering with friends - we see possible meltdown triggers for our child including food, noise and social interaction.

Instead, this is us. Not exactly how we pictured things.

We are the people who stand in Lowe's and deliberate over which kind of spackle to purchase to fix our walls from where our son headbutted the drywall and made a hole. We are the kind of people who debate the pluses and minuses of padding our son's bedroom walls with foam tiles. We discuss long term financial goals, mounting medical bills and future care plans. We worry about our sons' futures and what life will hold for our daughter.

We don't realize how severe autism is until we see it next to typical kids. We permanently shelve the idea of ever going on vacation for fear of elopement or destruction or regression - and expense.

Mike's job has been a blessing because his health insurance is so great, and at this point he can work overtime and off duty details. But it also comes with working every holiday and no weekends off and not seeing him because he works so much - oh and yeah - it's dangerous. Because of the nature of his job and schedule, any social life we did have is now gone. There is no core group we are apart of - never was really but I hoped maybe it would come as we got older - though thankfully we do have good friends!

Because really - All I want to do is live my life and not worry about what everyone else is doing. I had been doing a pretty good job of doing that until this past month and things in our world just kind of imploded a little bit. Two kids on the spectrum. Being told Grayson was demon-possessed and could be "cured." I am still reeling from it all.

I see such a huge dissonance between our world and the typical world, that often I get very angry about it instead of just facing it in a matter-of-fact manner. If I am not careful - my anger can be all consuming. Things that never used to bother me, bother me quite a bit now. 

This summer I am going to be searching and praying for contentment in this very difficult season of our life. Will you join me?

I want to be okay with the fact that we are different.