Autism Mom
I have mentioned it before, but I have been really inspired by Kate Swenson's blog Finding Cooper's Voice. I have been watching a lot of her videos and reading her Facebook posts, and I am finding a lot of what she says strikes a chord for me. In many ways, I really want to emulate her but that isn't very original of me. She is very eloquent and can get her point across in her videos in a way that I don't think I can even attempt!
If you haven't watched her, I would suggest you check it out. She isn't an autism field professional - other than being so in the way that life sometimes unexpectedly forces you into being a subject matter expert.
So instead of doing videos, I thought I would blog. I don't think anyone really will get all the way through this honestly but it's more for myself.
Lately I have been battling depression along with my anxiety which is really odd, because other than some isolated incidences of feeling depressed, it's not anything I have had to deal with for the long term. I am sure that pregnancy hormones have something to do with this, but I am very concerned about it. I am sure that my sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it. Feeling like I need to stay home and not leave my house unless completely necessary has something to do with it to, I am sure.
Today I actually used the word "drudgery" to explain my SAHM status. Did I just rile you up and make you angry? Sorry I am not sorry.
Staying home with my kids is a privilege and a sacrifice. I wish I just had a better view of it. The first year of Grayson's life, I stayed home - and I loved it so much. I ended up getting a part-time job that really fit our schedule well. Then as Grayson increasingly showed issues of a developmental delay and then Easton came along and Mike's work schedule changed - that work/life balance just wasn't...balanced anymore. Something had to give, so I said goodbye to that part-time job.
Now my stay-at-home days are filled with being hit, scratched, dealing with constant requests for things I cannot understand because the language and communication are not there, meltdowns on meltdowns on meltdowns, dealing with unmet expectations of schedules, routines and first, then statements. I work tirelessly to get Grayson to stop stims that could be harmful to him (hitting his head for one), try to manage screen time even though it makes him SO happy and I can get a bit of peace, and trying not to be disappointed in myself because he seems to flourish at school but not at home. I tell him a thousand times not to put things in the toilet, in the sink, down the registers into the furnace, to not slam doors and PLEASE DON'T HIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I go to bed every night for about two hours before mom-life calls me back to the front lines with a kid who won't sleep through the night, where I feel discouraged and like a dismal failure of a mom.
And that's just one son. That doesn't have anything to do with Easton, this pregnancy or my marriage - let alone taking care of the house, managing friendships (what are those anymore?). Those are all separate entities though they DO bleed into each other when I am having a hard day. Which is like every single day.
On Tuesday, Easton was very sick. He hadn't slept in about two nights. Grayson was up early and furious because we didn't have cookies. Cookies are his love language. I couldn't stand his screaming and meltdown about cookies, so I loaded us all up - sick kid and all - and was out of the house by 8 am to go to the grocery store to get cookies. I stood in line with sick kid on one hand and melting down four year old on the other as everyone stared. But I was too tired to care. I officially became an Autism Mom that day. I shared this story on Instagram and then promptly deleted it because I felt like I could already hear the comments from other moms: "Cookies, really?" "Just tell him no." "He is spoiled." Yes, not that easy and maybe he is. But he doesn't understand. How can I get him to understand that not having cookies doesn't mean the world is ending, when it means the world to him?
These are the days where I wish I could get out of the house, get social interaction, get a break from the rollercoaster, help ease the financial burden off of Mike who works so hard because special needs parenting isn't cheap. But then I remember that didn't work before, and life is only getting more complicated.
Don't get me wrong. We have some good days. The days when Grayson sleeps well, has minimal meltdowns, shows signs of improvement and does his chore (laundry) without much supervision. But those days - right now - are few and far between.
When I talked to Grayson's developmental pedi about this, I told her I felt like we have been having hard days - especially hard days - since November, and how I wished that meant that we would be seeing a jump forward in development. She told me, gently, bringing me back to earth, that very well might not be the case. I held it together and then cried in the car after the appointment.
So I am wondering? How do I get from drudgery to feeling like this is my PURPOSE! What puts fresh fire in me and makes me passionate to be a mom, to take care of my family, to be a full time caretaker to my special needs son? How do I go from feeling like - oh my gosh, every day is the longest day to my life - to WOW, I am a fighter, I can do this, I can help my son and be a super mom, super wife, a super friend?
I don't know. I really have no clue.
If you haven't watched her, I would suggest you check it out. She isn't an autism field professional - other than being so in the way that life sometimes unexpectedly forces you into being a subject matter expert.
So instead of doing videos, I thought I would blog. I don't think anyone really will get all the way through this honestly but it's more for myself.
Lately I have been battling depression along with my anxiety which is really odd, because other than some isolated incidences of feeling depressed, it's not anything I have had to deal with for the long term. I am sure that pregnancy hormones have something to do with this, but I am very concerned about it. I am sure that my sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it. Feeling like I need to stay home and not leave my house unless completely necessary has something to do with it to, I am sure.
Today I actually used the word "drudgery" to explain my SAHM status. Did I just rile you up and make you angry? Sorry I am not sorry.
Staying home with my kids is a privilege and a sacrifice. I wish I just had a better view of it. The first year of Grayson's life, I stayed home - and I loved it so much. I ended up getting a part-time job that really fit our schedule well. Then as Grayson increasingly showed issues of a developmental delay and then Easton came along and Mike's work schedule changed - that work/life balance just wasn't...balanced anymore. Something had to give, so I said goodbye to that part-time job.
Now my stay-at-home days are filled with being hit, scratched, dealing with constant requests for things I cannot understand because the language and communication are not there, meltdowns on meltdowns on meltdowns, dealing with unmet expectations of schedules, routines and first, then statements. I work tirelessly to get Grayson to stop stims that could be harmful to him (hitting his head for one), try to manage screen time even though it makes him SO happy and I can get a bit of peace, and trying not to be disappointed in myself because he seems to flourish at school but not at home. I tell him a thousand times not to put things in the toilet, in the sink, down the registers into the furnace, to not slam doors and PLEASE DON'T HIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I go to bed every night for about two hours before mom-life calls me back to the front lines with a kid who won't sleep through the night, where I feel discouraged and like a dismal failure of a mom.
And that's just one son. That doesn't have anything to do with Easton, this pregnancy or my marriage - let alone taking care of the house, managing friendships (what are those anymore?). Those are all separate entities though they DO bleed into each other when I am having a hard day. Which is like every single day.
On Tuesday, Easton was very sick. He hadn't slept in about two nights. Grayson was up early and furious because we didn't have cookies. Cookies are his love language. I couldn't stand his screaming and meltdown about cookies, so I loaded us all up - sick kid and all - and was out of the house by 8 am to go to the grocery store to get cookies. I stood in line with sick kid on one hand and melting down four year old on the other as everyone stared. But I was too tired to care. I officially became an Autism Mom that day. I shared this story on Instagram and then promptly deleted it because I felt like I could already hear the comments from other moms: "Cookies, really?" "Just tell him no." "He is spoiled." Yes, not that easy and maybe he is. But he doesn't understand. How can I get him to understand that not having cookies doesn't mean the world is ending, when it means the world to him?
These are the days where I wish I could get out of the house, get social interaction, get a break from the rollercoaster, help ease the financial burden off of Mike who works so hard because special needs parenting isn't cheap. But then I remember that didn't work before, and life is only getting more complicated.
Don't get me wrong. We have some good days. The days when Grayson sleeps well, has minimal meltdowns, shows signs of improvement and does his chore (laundry) without much supervision. But those days - right now - are few and far between.
When I talked to Grayson's developmental pedi about this, I told her I felt like we have been having hard days - especially hard days - since November, and how I wished that meant that we would be seeing a jump forward in development. She told me, gently, bringing me back to earth, that very well might not be the case. I held it together and then cried in the car after the appointment.
So I am wondering? How do I get from drudgery to feeling like this is my PURPOSE! What puts fresh fire in me and makes me passionate to be a mom, to take care of my family, to be a full time caretaker to my special needs son? How do I go from feeling like - oh my gosh, every day is the longest day to my life - to WOW, I am a fighter, I can do this, I can help my son and be a super mom, super wife, a super friend?
I don't know. I really have no clue.
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