A terrible, no good, very bad day.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I thought it would help to write out how I am feeling. So here goes.

- We are not celebrating Christmas next year. Too much money, work and heartbreak going into a holiday that should be joyful. 

- I don't drink. But if I was not pregnant right now, I am thinking that I would be drinking my supper. Instead I had a bowl of ice cream which I am sure the baby will pay me back for sooner than later.

- The nurse had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat today and it scared me. I laughed it off that my heartbeat in the past has eclipsed the baby's which has been true with Easton especially, but inside I was trying not to throw up and burst into tears simultaneously. 

- I am struggling at motherhood. I am totally screwing these kids up. And since I single-mom it most of the time, it's all going to be my fault one day. 

- Someone in my past offered to pray over Grayson, however this person discredits law enforcement at every chance he can and believes that children are over-diagnosed. Not one to turn down prayers, but yeah...I pray over Grayson constantly - and I know I am not the only one who does. This person also told me long ago that Grayson had a behavior issue - without ever being around him. 

- If only everyone could have seen Grayson climb into the car today after school and grab on to his Toy Story Woody doll and bring it up to his face with a huge grin...if only they could have heard his giggles when he pressed the star on Woody's chest to hear him talk. I bawled all the way home because I want people to know how awesome Grayson is!

- I haven't slept in a week. In the past few months, I have only slept in my bed all night one time. The kids are up constantly at night and I don't want them to wake Mike up because he needs sleep more than I do. 

-  I feel like I am a nuisance. 

- It's crippling not being able to take my kids out to run to the store because I am worried about unpredictable behavior and running away. 

- I really want to find a new home for Daisy. I love her but she is so much work, and she is constantly going to the bathroom in my house. 

- I am almost positive I have seasonal affective disorder. 

- I am scared of what the future holds for my boys - especially Grayson. I constantly think about how he will manage as an adult, and who will take care of him when Mike and I are gone. 

- My big prayers this year is that I can find a job where I can contribute to our finances but where I can stay home. Mike's schedule is changing and I won't be able to secure childcare...I am not sure who would watch Grayson since he can be so unpredictable anyway. Autism is expensive. Our insurance company has given us a really difficult time in covering his therapies. 

- My second big prayer is that we can sell our house and move into something bigger that we can stay in forever. I love our house but when we bought it we had no clue what kind of challenges we would have someday. This house would be perfect for a family without challenges! It's beautiful!

Okay, I am done now. I feel better. I cried all through this list. I am so glad to have this blog so I can unload a little bit.

Happier posts are coming, I can feel it! I read today about how giving God gratitude for all we have is the only way to combat anxiety - and I liked that. I think I will work on turning this blog into something like that - I just have to work a little bit to get out of this funk. Pregnancy hormones are something else let me tell ya - especially with a girl!!!!