Autism Blesses Me
A few weeks ago, Mike and I sat next to each other at the developmental pediatrician's office, after enduring hours of grueling evaluations that did NOT go over well for our small son. We watched him climbing all over the waiting room, squealing with laughter and running over for quick hugs while we waited for the doctor to come in and tell us everything that we already knew.
Autism. Sensory Processing Disorder. Language Delay. Global developmental delays.
All explained to us in a very matter-of-fact, sorry-about-your-luck kind of way.
We walked out of that office feeling like we had been punched in the guts. Okay. I can't speak for Mike, but that's how I felt. As we trekked home with Grayson snoozing in his carseat in the back, we allowed the morning to just kind of sink over us like a dense fog.
None of this came as a surprise. We have had suspicions of course.
But the permanency of this, seeing it in writing as official diagnoses, hearing the doctor speak those words, feeling our way about all things special needs, preparing to defend ourselves when the time comes (because it will) when someone gives us a hard time, reworking the plans for our future, the task of having to share the news with our family...it was heavy. It still is heavy. I shed some tears on the way home, and probably every single day since. I suspect I will be doing a lot of crying in the future. To be honest, I felt angry at God. I am kind of getting over that, coming to terms with it all.
Thankfully we were met with support, kind words, encouragement and love from those closest to us as we began to share the news. We began to embrace our roles as "special needs" parents. The diagnoses opened our eyes up so we could REALLY see our oldest son.
And man, is he ever amazing! We have always known that of course, but it is incredibly evident in everything he does.
The other day I watched a movie trailer about a boy with autism named Po. I sobbed through the entire trailer, feeling every single emotion. When the trailer was over, I had to go upstairs and see Grayson who was napping. I HAD to wrap him in my arms and hold him. I made it to the edge of his bed, and I just fell apart. He was probably wondering what the heck was wrong with his mommy! It took him a few moments of watching me and some jumping on the bed to lay down next to me and wrap his arm around my neck and place his head on my head. My young son held me and comforted me as I bawled my eyes out. I told him over and over and over again just how wonderful and incredible he was, and that he is SO loved. I know life will be different for him and more difficult than for the average person, but I never want him to have a doubt that we love him unconditionally.
Another example. Today I was zoned off, staring into space, thinking about something when he came up to me to get my attention. I didn't even really know he was there honestly, when he started tilting his head at me - when it dawned on me, he was trying to get my eye contact. When I finally locked eyes with him, he broke into a huge grin.
One more. He rode along with my dad and I to get supper tonight, and we saw Mike patrolling the area! We looped around and met up with him, and the moment Mike stepped out of his cruiser, Grayson's face lit up like a sunbeam. It was so beautiful - such an incredible moment that I will always remember. Of course he is always excited to see his daddy, but I am trying to take each of these moments and truly savor it! With both of my boys!
Lately during his meltdowns, he has begun apologizing. "Sorry! Sorry!" and it instantly softens us. The desperation in his eyes - that he doesn't want to be throwing these fits - it is heart-wrenching. He wants us to understand, so we are trying too. Sometimes his behavior is bad because he is a 3 year old. Sometimes he acts out because he can't help it. We are always trying to differentiate between these episodes so that we can better help him.
Last week I signed up for a pathways to Autism seminar. When I shared with the lady running the event that my young son had just been diagnosed, she said, "You are at the beginning of a beautiful, beautiful journey." Tears sprung to my eyes, and I knew she was right. So comforting to hear those words from a fellow Autism mom.
Of course, both sets of parents have been so supportive - but we knew they would be! I am also thankful for my Mothers of Diamonds small group. We are all moms with kids that have special needs, and each lady in that group has touched my life. I shared with a few of my friends, and then had a nice long talk with my sister-in-law Kristi, and while all these gals aren't in the same boat, the level of empathy and understanding I felt was...such a relief...for lack of a better word. I felt like they "get it" - and will continue to support me. What a wonderful thing!
Of course with the good comes the bad. *sigh* Last week someone started a particularly hurtful FB thread about parents who have their kids diagnosed, alluding to the fact that parenting style and consistency is to blame in these cases where kids are "labeled." Apparently having your kid diagnosed and on medication is narcissistic. *said in sarcasm* I thought it odd as I read the thread - as the original poster has no dog in this fight, and was literally just poking a bunch of mama bears - and special needs mama bears at that! If anything, special needs families should be lifted up and not put down! I was incredibly proud of the mama bears that posted in response and didn't back down to such ridiculous accusations and judgments. I am not quite there yet, this is all too fresh for me, and I was so thankful for the ladies in my life who went to bat for me and for all other special needs mamas out there.
I suppose this negativity is something I will encounter always. But I will focus more on my incredible sons that God gave me, who bring me so much laughter and love, on watching my husband be a wonderful daddy to our boys...on the fact that Autism is blessing me every single day.
Autism. Sensory Processing Disorder. Language Delay. Global developmental delays.
All explained to us in a very matter-of-fact, sorry-about-your-luck kind of way.
We walked out of that office feeling like we had been punched in the guts. Okay. I can't speak for Mike, but that's how I felt. As we trekked home with Grayson snoozing in his carseat in the back, we allowed the morning to just kind of sink over us like a dense fog.
None of this came as a surprise. We have had suspicions of course.
But the permanency of this, seeing it in writing as official diagnoses, hearing the doctor speak those words, feeling our way about all things special needs, preparing to defend ourselves when the time comes (because it will) when someone gives us a hard time, reworking the plans for our future, the task of having to share the news with our family...it was heavy. It still is heavy. I shed some tears on the way home, and probably every single day since. I suspect I will be doing a lot of crying in the future. To be honest, I felt angry at God. I am kind of getting over that, coming to terms with it all.
Thankfully we were met with support, kind words, encouragement and love from those closest to us as we began to share the news. We began to embrace our roles as "special needs" parents. The diagnoses opened our eyes up so we could REALLY see our oldest son.
And man, is he ever amazing! We have always known that of course, but it is incredibly evident in everything he does.
The other day I watched a movie trailer about a boy with autism named Po. I sobbed through the entire trailer, feeling every single emotion. When the trailer was over, I had to go upstairs and see Grayson who was napping. I HAD to wrap him in my arms and hold him. I made it to the edge of his bed, and I just fell apart. He was probably wondering what the heck was wrong with his mommy! It took him a few moments of watching me and some jumping on the bed to lay down next to me and wrap his arm around my neck and place his head on my head. My young son held me and comforted me as I bawled my eyes out. I told him over and over and over again just how wonderful and incredible he was, and that he is SO loved. I know life will be different for him and more difficult than for the average person, but I never want him to have a doubt that we love him unconditionally.
Another example. Today I was zoned off, staring into space, thinking about something when he came up to me to get my attention. I didn't even really know he was there honestly, when he started tilting his head at me - when it dawned on me, he was trying to get my eye contact. When I finally locked eyes with him, he broke into a huge grin.
One more. He rode along with my dad and I to get supper tonight, and we saw Mike patrolling the area! We looped around and met up with him, and the moment Mike stepped out of his cruiser, Grayson's face lit up like a sunbeam. It was so beautiful - such an incredible moment that I will always remember. Of course he is always excited to see his daddy, but I am trying to take each of these moments and truly savor it! With both of my boys!
Lately during his meltdowns, he has begun apologizing. "Sorry! Sorry!" and it instantly softens us. The desperation in his eyes - that he doesn't want to be throwing these fits - it is heart-wrenching. He wants us to understand, so we are trying too. Sometimes his behavior is bad because he is a 3 year old. Sometimes he acts out because he can't help it. We are always trying to differentiate between these episodes so that we can better help him.
Last week I signed up for a pathways to Autism seminar. When I shared with the lady running the event that my young son had just been diagnosed, she said, "You are at the beginning of a beautiful, beautiful journey." Tears sprung to my eyes, and I knew she was right. So comforting to hear those words from a fellow Autism mom.
Of course, both sets of parents have been so supportive - but we knew they would be! I am also thankful for my Mothers of Diamonds small group. We are all moms with kids that have special needs, and each lady in that group has touched my life. I shared with a few of my friends, and then had a nice long talk with my sister-in-law Kristi, and while all these gals aren't in the same boat, the level of empathy and understanding I felt was...such a relief...for lack of a better word. I felt like they "get it" - and will continue to support me. What a wonderful thing!
Of course with the good comes the bad. *sigh* Last week someone started a particularly hurtful FB thread about parents who have their kids diagnosed, alluding to the fact that parenting style and consistency is to blame in these cases where kids are "labeled." Apparently having your kid diagnosed and on medication is narcissistic. *said in sarcasm* I thought it odd as I read the thread - as the original poster has no dog in this fight, and was literally just poking a bunch of mama bears - and special needs mama bears at that! If anything, special needs families should be lifted up and not put down! I was incredibly proud of the mama bears that posted in response and didn't back down to such ridiculous accusations and judgments. I am not quite there yet, this is all too fresh for me, and I was so thankful for the ladies in my life who went to bat for me and for all other special needs mamas out there.
I suppose this negativity is something I will encounter always. But I will focus more on my incredible sons that God gave me, who bring me so much laughter and love, on watching my husband be a wonderful daddy to our boys...on the fact that Autism is blessing me every single day.
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