Feeling Stuck

Today I feel stuck. The weather is beautiful, and the sun is shining. And I would love to go out with my kids, to the store, to the park, for a walk. But I can't.

So I just stay put and fight off feelings of self-pity.

It's embarrassing to admit it, but it's the truth. I cannot easily handle my two kids by myself in public or in unfamiliar places. I would be okay with one or the other, but both? Big fat nope.

An example. Last week I was on my own taking Grayson to school - Mike was out of town - and usually Easton will stay with my mom while I run to school with Grayson. (There is no parent drop-off or pick-up - I have to escort him into the building.) But my parents were on their way out of town too. My inner monologue went like this: I can do this. Moms do this every single day. I can do this. I GOT THIS!

I formed a plan in my head about who I would get out of the car first, but I didn't factor in that Grayson removes his shoes the minute he gets in the car. When I got to the school and saw that, my plan was shot, and I got frazzled. Quick. I don't exactly do well in times of crisis.

Long story short, Grayson got away from me and made a bee-line for the building (which is good) but ran unsupervised through the parking lot (which is REALLY BAD) while I ran after him with a hefty 1 year old on my hip yelling for him.

I felt defeated. After we got in the building and got Grayson settled, I slunk back to the car, Easton in tow and tried not to cry.

The same thing happened a few weeks ago when we had some warmer weather and we went to the park. We let the boys run, when Grayson took off. Mike was tending to Easton and Gray got too close to the edge of the river. And a little part of me died that day as I screamed and called for him, but he was gone - way ahead of me, way too far for me to catch up. By only God's grace, he stopped for a minute and waited until I caught up with him. He thought it was hilarious of course, and I almost threw up.

Being a special needs mom is incredibly difficult. When I think about leaving the house by myself with both, all sorts of scenarios run through my head - all involving meltdowns, running away and danger, angry looks from people who don't understand, lots of loud screaming...all of this has happened before, and I just don't want to repeat it.

I guess the main gist is that I am afraid.

So while I sit here, daydreaming about going to store and doing what other moms do with what appears to me to be relative ease, I have come to terms that THAT IS NOT MY REALITY.

Not right now. Maybe someday though.

So for now I will just stay put.

Sorry for the self-pitying post but it's been a hard day and I wanted to get this off my chest. :)