I knew before I knew.

I get nostalgic around this time every year. 

Because it was about this time ten years ago that I found out I was expecting Grayson. On my 30th birthday, I went in for my first ultrasound and saw his precious little form on the screen. 

Now I am going to be turning 40 in a few weeks, and he's going to be 10 this year.

I truly believe that God was preparing me for autism long before Grayson's heart ever started to beat. And he used Grayson to prepare me for Easton - which is a story that maybe I will share somewhere down the road.

I sit here and can think of probably a dozen times autism came across my radar screen - even as far back as childhood as I sat with my mom on the couch and we watched a little boy spin plates across the kitchen floor on some TV documentary. He had autism - but they said he was in his "own little world."

Those words have stuck with me all these years. I remember thinking it sounded so scary. He was there in person but he wasn't with them mentally?! How did that work?! He never came out of his world to be with his family? As a five year old, I had a lot of questions, but not many answers. 

Fast forward a dozen years and I read a book series with one child who had autism as the main character. And they made autism sound like a tragedy. Like in the story he came out of his autism-like trance, and he had a normal conversation with his mother and she wept and begged him not to leave her. But he did. He went back into his own little world. It was terribly sad. 

Then a few years later, I saw a mom at youth group one night when I was helping out, and she brought her son with autism. She was smiling, and she had him in tow and he was smiling too. He was there to participate with everyone else. He didn't look like he was in his own little world as his mom chatted with everyone who greeted them. (Years later she would become a mentor and friend - someone I look up to who has been by my family's side working with Grayson since he was just 18 months old.) Why would I remember that so vividly - like a snapshot saved in my mind forever!

I have many more examples - I could talk about it for hours. Long before we had kids, Mike was in training for his job for 24 weeks. I had a lot of downtime after work so I came across a documentary on PBS about adults and children with autism. I was profoundly affected by that documentary - and I remember crying huge tears at the issues their families faced.

One last one. I had an inkling about autism when Grayson was just a baby and we were using an iPad to help settle him - it was a fun screen with nursery rhymes playing - and I remember saying to my mom, "I don't know if this is a good idea. I don't want him to have autism." How misinformed I was. (You do not get autism from being exposed to a screen at a young age - seriously.) But also what would have ever compelled me to say that?

Because I think I knew before I knew. 

And here we are. We are that family who struggles with the hard moments but has some happy moments. I am that mom who is smiling with my kids in tow. (Okay so I am probably not usually smiling if I am being honest.) I am the mom who watches her son spin things like trivets and DVDs that he's stolen out of cabinets across my kitchen floor. I often wonder about my son who is in his "own little world" - but I don't really look at it like that. I think he's more in a deep state of concentration on something that he would explain to me if he could.

Last night I got home from an evening out with a friend, and Grayson made a beeline across the kitchen and wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled my head down so he could nuzzle me. He had a huge smile on his face. Mike said, "Well I think someone missed you!"

My boy. How has it been ten years? They have been the fastest and the slowest ten years of my life. Autism is hard. I have mourned it A LOT. But I appreciate seeing it woven into parts of my story ever since I was a kid. It gives me comfort that all along this was the plan for me - for him - for Easton - for us - for this family. <3