Summer of Survival
May kicked our butts. We had so much sickness, so many meetings, so many sleepless nights, I turned a year older - blah - but it feels like I turned ten years older at least, an autism diagnosis, finding out that Easton also needs a one-on-one aide for preschool (huh??), tense moments, weird Facebook messages, Mike was working crazy hours - and that's just the surface. My good friends all seemed to gather around me and help me through some rough times.
In June we aren't faring much better. The weather however is MUCH better - finally! We still have had some sickness, lots of crazy separation anxiety when Mike leaves the house, dents in our drywall from excessive headbanging, SO many appointments, some big impending bills (a fence, 110k mile service on my Honda for one - seriously so expensive, Mike is working like crazy to cover it all and we have cut expenses at home - autism is expensive!!!!), and a thousand other things.
Does it ever stop? I have determined it doesn't. We aren't even busy with the fun stuff - the extracurricular activities like sports and clubs. This is just therapy and doctor's appointments. The boys even missed VBS - because of my poor planning because of doctor and dentist appointments I had made months in advance - many of them all rescheduled already once before!
So far it's not anything like the summers I remember as a kid where we played outside all day, where we spent a lot of time at my grandparents', bugging my cousins down at the golf course while they were trying to work, picking blueberries in my grandma's backyard, going to the beach, riding our bikes around the neighborhood, playing with the neighbor kids...or hiding inside in the cool basement to play video games or reading books.
What kind of summer will my kids remember? My first memories go back to when I was around Grayson's age. He may not be able to speak right now but that doesn't mean he isn't listening, he isn't soaking it all in. What will he remember? Will he remember a sad mom who watched a lot of TV on her phone and let her kids watch entirely too much Daniel Tiger? Probably.
The other night Mike had Easton out on the driveway (we have a driveway now!) and they were practicing how to ride a bike. Mike texted me to come outside so I stepped out the front door, and I cheered Easton on. He stopped and said, "Mommy, are you so happy?" And that hit me like a ton of bricks because honestly I haven't been happy. Dealing with autism and the not so fun aspects of it have worn me out. I get very little sleep. I think I am battling depression. I know I have anxiety. I faked a smile and said, "OF COURSE I AM HAPPY!" while thinking to myself "Get it together, Smith!"
We'll make it through this summer, I am sure. Probably not graciously. Probably with some more wrinkles, some more dents in our beautiful new walls, some more gray hair, a few tears and a lot of ice cream. I don't believe every summer will be one of survival - at least I hope not anyway!
In June we aren't faring much better. The weather however is MUCH better - finally! We still have had some sickness, lots of crazy separation anxiety when Mike leaves the house, dents in our drywall from excessive headbanging, SO many appointments, some big impending bills (a fence, 110k mile service on my Honda for one - seriously so expensive, Mike is working like crazy to cover it all and we have cut expenses at home - autism is expensive!!!!), and a thousand other things.
Does it ever stop? I have determined it doesn't. We aren't even busy with the fun stuff - the extracurricular activities like sports and clubs. This is just therapy and doctor's appointments. The boys even missed VBS - because of my poor planning because of doctor and dentist appointments I had made months in advance - many of them all rescheduled already once before!
So far it's not anything like the summers I remember as a kid where we played outside all day, where we spent a lot of time at my grandparents', bugging my cousins down at the golf course while they were trying to work, picking blueberries in my grandma's backyard, going to the beach, riding our bikes around the neighborhood, playing with the neighbor kids...or hiding inside in the cool basement to play video games or reading books.
What kind of summer will my kids remember? My first memories go back to when I was around Grayson's age. He may not be able to speak right now but that doesn't mean he isn't listening, he isn't soaking it all in. What will he remember? Will he remember a sad mom who watched a lot of TV on her phone and let her kids watch entirely too much Daniel Tiger? Probably.
The other night Mike had Easton out on the driveway (we have a driveway now!) and they were practicing how to ride a bike. Mike texted me to come outside so I stepped out the front door, and I cheered Easton on. He stopped and said, "Mommy, are you so happy?" And that hit me like a ton of bricks because honestly I haven't been happy. Dealing with autism and the not so fun aspects of it have worn me out. I get very little sleep. I think I am battling depression. I know I have anxiety. I faked a smile and said, "OF COURSE I AM HAPPY!" while thinking to myself "Get it together, Smith!"
We'll make it through this summer, I am sure. Probably not graciously. Probably with some more wrinkles, some more dents in our beautiful new walls, some more gray hair, a few tears and a lot of ice cream. I don't believe every summer will be one of survival - at least I hope not anyway!
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. - Romans 5:3-4
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